These Itchings

Facing the demons within me

3:19 am

Here I am sitting in the library. Hopelessly trying to find something on Youtube that would trigger a dopamine hit in my brain. I think after such a long time of interacting with Youtube and social media in general even interesting things have started to give off a vibe of being boring or being too brain intensive. I think now the mind just wants something which is computationly less taxing but still triggers the dopamine hit.

I’m just sick and tired of the state that I’m in right now. I don’t feel like working or doing anything really for the most part of the day. I don’t see anything interesting coming up at work which can jolt me up out of my almost year long slumber.

I’ve picked up a variety of bad habits. Eating junk, not exercising or even walking, not reading enough books, smoking a lot and the other thing. I really do realise the need to get out of this whirlpool which I know will only further detoriate the quality of my life.

The only thing which is keeping me sane is my wife’s company. I don’t know where I would be in life without her. She supports me and cares for me.

I guess at the end of the day it’s only the close people in your life which matter… Nothing else.

6:47 pm

From the most poorest man that you can see on the roads, to the most successful person according to Forbes, everyone’s life is fucked in some way or the other. For some it’s slightly less fucked, but still it’s fucked all the same. You meet someone new, someone attractive, someone rich and you think to yourself, hmmm… this person is so lucky to have everything. But in my experience if you make it past the exterior shell of that person, horrors and betrayals and guilt start pouring out. I have not found any one single exception to this.

Now some people are strong enough or ignorant enough to not let their fucked up realities affect them, but most people are not. The fucked up parts of their lives melt into their pysche and their physical body. Even the strong or ignorant ones among us can’t stop the leaks from seeping in and affecting them in some way or the other.

I guess in the entirety of human existence no one has ever lived A Happy Life.

8:26 pm

I’m in a bad state of mind right now and I know it will eventually fade away. But right now it just feels so damn… Boring.

I wonder how many people if any are honest with themselves in their day to day lives. I don’t think people can even mentally afford to be completely honest all the time. We lie to ourselves all the time. I know I certainly do.

9:10 pm

Okay, as an exercise I’ll try being completely honest for a little while. Let’s see if I can face myself. The true me.

  • I’m habituated to masturbating.
  • I have been overweight from the past 5-6 months and I don’t like the extra fat on my body and my face.
  • I don’t put in any effort at my job. Like not even the bare minimum. I miss deadlines all the time. And I make excuses to my teammates as to why I missed the deadline.
  • I feel lazy and sleepy all the time.
  • I smoke a lot.
  • I want to be a writer. Always have. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be published. And forget about publishing, I don’t even write at all, even for my own self. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to publish.
  • I read works of these great authors and I say to myself, “You’ll never be able to write like that”, because that’s the truth. I have read the English language since I was a kid yet I can’t structure my sentences in Active Voice. I don’t even know if the last sentence that I wrote was in Active Voice or Passive Voice.